Coping with NES Withdrawal

By: Lanny Cox
Lanny Cox Lanny Cox’s NES TOP 10 OF THE MONTH: Coping With NES Withdrawal

Hi folks!! It’s Lanny again, with the first of his Top 10 lists. This one deals with addiction and withdrawal. No, not to crack, baseball cards or sweet sweet porn, but GRAY BOX ADDICTION. Now, I know some parents are concerned with little Jimmy (is that a dick pun?) becoming addicted to the NES and whoring himself out for stray copies of Hydlide, so parents NATIONWIDE (as of 1989) are taking away the gray boxes in droves!! This is good if you’re some lamer who doesn’t own a NES, but leeches off the NESen of others, but what if you did own a NES? What if your brand-spankin-new Hot Slots is taken away someday and you’re forced to uh, Lend Yourself A Hand ™? WHAT CAN YOU DO?? WHAT CAN YOU DO?!?!

10. If you find yourself addicted to Panesian games and are a churchgoer, looking at female parishioners through stained-glass windows gives them a pixelated appearance. Fantasize as necessary.

9. HEROIN HEROIN HEROIN!!

8. Feel free to substitute handguns (preferably a Glock 9mm pistol) for a Zapper, and aim at nearby animals. *SWOOSH!!*

7. Can you say REAL LIFE CITY CONNECTION?!?

6. Love Blades of Steel? Buy tickets to a hockey game. Put your hand over your mouth, muffling your voice, and yell “HITS THE PASS!!” every time the puck is passed within players. Soon a fistfight similar to that in the game will occur!! *Note: Nintendo Player and it’s staff are not responsible for damages incurred due to reader fighting like a pussy due to lack of a life or physical exercise.*

5. Close your eyes. Push in on them really hard with your index and middle fingers, then, keeping your eyes closed, stare at the nearest light source. A blinking effect will occur similar to that of a dirty NES system or cart!!

4. Assign family members hit points and names like “ROBR” and “JIMM”. Make them line up really well, wear robes and gauntlets (don’t we all?), and hold battles with pets.

3. Decapitate the least loved of your family members. Throw his/her head around the room and yell “ZOMBIE NATION!!!” like an idiot.

2. Eat real hallucinogenic mushrooms. Do not attempt to climb beanstalks whilst under the influence.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO CURE NES WITHDRAWAL:

1. “Uh Oh! The stolen Police Cruiser have started to move!!”