Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Schwarzenegger. What comes to mind when
you hear those names? Flying kicks, pulsating arms, big explosions,
more splattered blood than a Red Cross drive? Or to put all of that
into only one word: action; and if you're looking for action, you've found
it.
Beat 'Em Up Weekend
serves to fill an otherwise dull weekend by suggesting three action-packed
films and subsequent Nintendo Entertainment System cartridges to provide
the ultimate orgy of sweat and blood - something our Western culture has
come to embrace and proudly own, for better or for worse.
Along your way,
you'll battle bad guys and street gangs; duck within inches from larger-than-life
explosions; and feel the raging adrenaline flow through you the whole
time through. And during all of that combat and skirmishes, you'll also
become more acquainted with Eastern fighting techniques to help you in
your quest to achieve an international degree in ass-kicking.
So, are you a
bad enough tough guy to take on an action-packed afternoon marathon schedule
of fists, guts, and glory without any sissy time-outs? You better be,
solider, because we're heading into ninja territory.
MOVIE:
Get ready for the first action flick. It's movie time!
Although certainly
not showing Lee's versatile acting talents as in his arguably best film
"The Chinese Connection" nor the fantastic moves shown in "Enter
the Dragon," I don't believe there's a more appropriate set of fighting
techniques than is seen in "Return of the Dragon" to introduce
one of the most cherished Nintendo beat-em-ups of all time, KUNG FU.
Hence we begin our
descent into the fantasy film/fighting game genre with the aforementioned
"Return of the Dragon" -- a classic, cliched, and often times
humorous movie. With a thinly disguised plot, incredibly stereotypical/stupid
bad guys, and a traditional final boss fight at the end, you could have
swore the whole movie was taken straight out of a side-scrolling beat
'em up NES title. Is that a bad thing? By film standards, maybe it is.
But I hope you lay back and turn off your brain for about 90 minutes because
there isn't anything quite like listening to Lee yell as he wields a pair
of spinning nunchucks.
I won't ruin any
of the story or scenes for you, but I have to give mention to the one-on-one
match with Bruce Lee against the then-young (and very hairy) "Walker,
Texas Ranger" star Chuck Norris, inside of Rome's famous Coliseum.
If you are not a
fan of Bruce Lee yet, seeing his charisma and energetic moves will surely
make you one after the movie has ended. R. (Violence)
KICKING THIS
MUCH ASS: 7/10
GAME:
Bruce Lee's incredibly agile style of fighting should have prepared
you enough to handle the Lee-inspired Thomas character of Nintendo's
KUNG FU. Remember, everyone has to start at the basics! To get things
rolling, start up KUNG FU and kick some ass in style and grace in the
stylishly-classic scrolling adventure of rescuing his girlfriend Sylvia
from Mr. X.
Not convinced that
Nintendo's first generation title was a rip off of the idolized Bruce
Lee? Use the Flash movie below to contrast
the real thing with the Nintendo voice overs for yourself!
Also see
for kung-fu ninja arts: Flying Dragon; Jackie Chan's Action
Kung Fu; Kung Fu 2 (only released in Japan); Shinobi
MOVIE:
Jackie's second official American movie takes him to the Bronx, NY to
spend time with his uncle and new aunt. What he did not expect was to
be caught in the middle of a gang war for priceless diamonds. Chan's
noted comedy mixed with some insane stunts and plenty of butt-kicking
will blow you away.
Corny gangs, funny
dialogue, intense fights, breathtaking stunts, and one hover craft on
the loose could only be the sort of crazy fun movie that Jackie Chan
himself could pull off. A great way to get into a butt-kicking state of
mind. R. (Violence, Language)
KICKING THIS
MUCH ASS: 8/10
GAME:
Celebrating the corniness of the gangs from Rumble in the Bronx, take
control with DOUBLE DRAGON II (possibly the best of the series) and
"knock some sense" into these viciously lame street punks.
Punch, flying kick, and throw your way to save your love Marion.
The ass-kicking
meter is speeding up!
Also see
for traditional (sometimes even humorous) brawlers: Bad Street
Brawler; Battletoads; Bad Dudes; Mighty Final Fight; Target: Renegade
MOVIE:
Commando (1985) is one of Arnold's earliest silver screen performances
in his career and the most explosive before all the Terminator craze.
John Matrix, a highly trained killing machine, heads off on a wild goose
chase in search for his kidnapped daughter. A woman caught in the middle
of things aids Matrix as they collect clue after clue that eventually
lead to a remote exotic island hideout spot. But there's no time for
vacationing, only for bad guys dying. The one man army takes on anyone
and everyone who gets in the way. Peaceful negotiation is not an option.
This ain't your
"Kindergarten Cop Schwarzenegger," people. Arnold is equipped with machine
guns, shotguns, grenades, axes, throwing knives, plenty of explosives,
and one big ass rocket launcher. The mall scene is classic 80's action
and the huge body count at the climatic ending of the movie leaves me
searching for a much more harsher adjective than "violent".
And there aren't any lengthy conversations to get in the way of the
bloodshed either. Things are heated up. R. (Violence, Language, Nudity)
KICKING THIS
MUCH ASS: 9/10
GAMES:
Speaking of one-man armies, the badasses of CONTRA shared a similar
solitude attitude and motivation of "kill anything that gets in
the way." Relive John Matrix's ending scenes from the movie by
making your own outrageous amount of body counts. Alien scum will pay...
with their lives!
Pick up a baseball
cap, turn it backwards, crack your knuckles, and hold down the machine
gun's stream of bullets.
Also see
for one-man-takes-all: Cabal; Heavy Barrel; NARC; Ikari Warriors
series; Isolated Warrior; Jackal; P.O.W.; Rambo
Also see
for Schwarzenegger: Conan; Last Action Hero; Predator; Robocop
Vs. Terminator; Terminator; Terminator II; Total Recall
MOVIE:
Kick some more gluteus maximus! Jackie, the karate master with great
hair, is back! Considered his best filmed work out of the massive library
of movies affiliated with him, The Legend of Drunken Master is the ultimate
beat 'em up movie.
Drunken boxing,
a deadly but risky form of martial art, is the result of when alcohol
is mixed with kung fu. Things begin when Wong Fei Hung mixes up his
package with another containing an ancient Chinese antique, one of many
sought after by the "evil Brits" to sell over to the British
museum. Hung masters his technique of drunken boxing,
binging to protect his heritage and bring back honor
to his father. Anita Mui (Rumble in the Bronx) provides some comic relief
in between Hung's hectic fighting which makes the movie a mixed comedic
action fest.
The sequel to the
70's hit, Chan brings back his humorous writing and stunts that only
a mad man would dare to perform. He brings Hung's character to life
with youthful energy, making it hard to believe the daredevil was at
the age of 40 when filming. This is the final, end-all martial art movie.
The last 20 minutes of the movie is non-stop fighting. See it and be
amazed for yourself. PG-13/R. (Violence)
KICKING THIS
MUCH ASS: 10/10
For
more Jackie Chan: JACKIE CHAN'S ACTION KUNG FU
Wipe off that
sweat. Grab yourself a cold spring water. Hit the showers. You did pretty
good.. for a wimpy weakling like yourself! To become a real leg-spinning,
head-bunting, kick-all-ass machine like myself, though, you must learn
more of the art of kung-fu and fighting. Study and master these below
video games well enough and you may just become a powerful ninja, too.
NINJA
/ TRADITIONAL BEAM 'EM UP GAMES FOR THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM:
Adventures
of Bayou Billy
Bad Dudes
(Data East)
Bad Street
Brawler (Mattel/Beam Software)
Batman Returns
(Konami)
Batman:
Return of the Joker (SunSoft)
Battletoads
(Rare)
Battletoads
& Double Dragon (Rare)
Best of
the Best: Championship Karate (Electrobrain)
Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Schwarzenegger. What comes to mind when
you hear those names? Flying kicks, pulsating arms, big explosions,
more splattered blood than a Red Cross drive? Or to put all of that
into only one word: action; and if you're looking for action, you've found
it.
