How’s that for a headline? Eat your heart out, Gawker.

This is bar none the strangest thing that I have ever written on this site. The Super Mario presentation storyboard that you see pictured above may appear innocent looking enough, but wait until you hear about the simulated self-mutilation and the computer-generated demonic possession.

Those with a weak stomach and an aversion to S&M are urged to stay far away from today’s article.